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Uniting parents and boylovers
Posted at Crossroads by Gold Star on Monday, May 21, at 9:15
PM
In reply to So you admit that you've abused children! posted
by Concerned & Angry
I'm afraid that White Rose is otherwise occupied this evening. No doubt he'll want to respond to you tomorrow, but your post (which a BoyChat participant phoned me about) seemed important enough to deserve a response right away.
I believe that what White Rose was saying in his post was that he had exchanged posts with a boylover who had entered into a sexual relationship with a fourteen-year-old in a jurisdiction where such relationships are legal, and that the boylover had done so with the parents' consent. I think that White Rose was saying that, by examining such relationships, we might have a better sense of what boylove would be like in world where man-boy sex was accepted, as opposed to only examining boylove sexual relationships that are illegal and take place without the parents' knowledge. I don't believe that White Rose was saying that he had entered into such a relationship himself or that he would necessarily advocate such a relationship for others here.
Personally, I think that such relationships are not a good idea for the same reason that I think that outing oneself to a non-ped is not a good idea: because the risks are too great. A diligent police officer who wants to arrest you can always find a law on the books to charge you with breaking, even if you have parental permission for the relationship. If it's not statutory rape, then it's abuse of authority; if it's not abuse of authority, then it's obscene communications (i.e., talking to one's beloved over the phone).
I knew a guy who lives in a country that has a law forbidding written boylove erotica. He was visited by the police, who found nothing unusual in his home except a survey questionnaire that had been e-mailed to him by a researcher who was doing a study of celibate boylovers. The boylover had answered honestly the question about his sexual fantasies, so he was convicted of possessing child pornography.
But I'd like to get back to the question of the relationship between parents and boylovers. In this era when so many of us are bemoaning the loss of the extended family with its network of elder relatives that a child can turn to if he wants non-parental guidance it seems to me that many people have overlooked the potential value of boylovers to play this role. I know that you feel uneasy about the idea of boys entering into sexual relationships with men. By now, I trust you understand that many of us here share your belief that such a relationship is inappropriate in today's society. But that should not prevent us from exploring other possibilities for how boylovers' mentoring talents can be put to use.
Suppose, for example, that the ped your son knew had not in fact abused him, and suppose also that your husband had abused your son. (Understand that I'm being purely theoretical here. I'm sure that your husband would never do anything like this.) Under those circumstances, who would your son turn to? It would be nice if he sought your help, but I'm afraid it's likely that your son would be reluctant to do so, because of your close relationship with your husband. Instead, I think it's most likely that he would go to his older friend for help.
Now, if you had been forbidding your son to have contact with any men in the neighborhood, for fear that he would be molested, this would place your son's older friend in a very awkward position. In order to seek help for your son, he would have to reveal that he had been meeting with your son secretly and thus lay himself open to possible false accusations that he himself was an abuser. On the other hand, if you knew that your son was friends with this ped, and you had allowed that friendship to continue (under whatever circumstances you felt appropriate), then the man could with the boy's permission immediately alert you to the fact that your son was being abused.
This is only one of several ways in which boylovers can play a role that complements, rather than infringes upon, the work that parents do. I know many boylovers who have excellent relationships with the parents of their young friends. Alas, in today's society they must hide their sexual orientation from the parents. Hopefully, the day will come when that is no longer necessary, just as it is no longer necessary, in many cases, for a gay man to hide his orientation before he takes up work in a place of employment that includes other men.
The era when boylovers can out themselves to the world is far away, I'm afraid, but it would be interesting to start exploring now what steps could be taken to improve communication between boylovers and parents. It would make sense for parents to tell boylovers, "Here are the limits that we, in our role as primary moral guide for our children, believe are suitable. Provided that you follow these limits, we would welcome your help in raising our children." As a first step to this new era, I would like to suggest that a forum could be established for an alliance of parents and boylovers who wish to work together, rather than in opposition to each other, in order to better boys' lives.
Boylove is a permanent sexual orientation, and it occurs in every era; parents can't simply wish away our existence. Instead, they should make use of our gifts.
Gold Star
Webmaster
Crossroads
You raped my son!
Posted at Crossroads by Concerned & Angry on Tuesday,
May 22, at 5:02 PM
In response to Uniting parents and boylovers posted by Gold
Star
Go ahead and ban me under your silly security rules (which you apply very selectively; I see that the post below by Conscientious Objector hasn't earned him so much as a slap on the wrist). You can try to hide from the truth by banning anyone here who doesn't agree with you, but the truth remains: people like you raped my son and continue to rape children every year.
Last night my son came home unexpectedly. He's supposed to be working on a big project at work right now, one that could earn him a raise and a higher title, but he had to come home to check himself into a clinic for a few days because he has been breaking apart under the weight of his flashbacks to the time when he was abused by one of you "boylovers."
"God, when will this go away?" he asked his father and me. He was shaking and sobbing as he said this. You will have to take my word for it that my son is not the sort of man who would normally shake and sob.
The sad truth is that I couldn't promise that his nightmare will ever go away. It's quite possible that, until the end of his life, he will continue to be tortured by the memories of what happened. His abuser was released from prison several years ago, but my son continues to suffer a lifelong sentence.
AND YOU WANT US TO PUT MORE CHILDREN INTO YOUR CARE? DO YOU THINK WE PARENTS ARE WITLESS?
You dumbbells just don't get it, do you? YOU . . . ARE . . . SICK. You don't put children into the hands of pedophiles, any more than you put drink into the hands of an alcoholic especially not if the "drink" is a vulnerable child whose life could be destroyed.
> many of us here share your belief that such a relationship is inappropriate in today's society
Translation: "We're going to pretend that we're opposed to child sexual abuse because we don't like the idea of being locked up, but the moment you're relaxed and unwary, we're going to make sure that laws are passed so that we can molest your children."
> Boylove is a permanent sexual orientation
I'm well aware that, in most cases, pedophilia is an incurable disease (to translate your statement out of your usual political correctness). All the more reason why you should stay away from children. If I were a rapist, I wouldn't go hanging around in singles' bars, searching for women to "mentor." Yet listen to the jobs you people hold: teachers, sports coaches, youth center assistants, Scout leaders, schoolwork tutors . . . My God, it's like listening to a bunch of alcoholics earnestly explain how they need to take jobs in bars in order to learn how to drink responsibly.
IF YOU CARE ABOUT CHILDREN, STAY AWAY FROM THEM. We parents will be glad to give you any help you need in doing that.
CA stands for Concerned & Angry
P.S. Don't think that I didn't notice your attempt to shift the blame from my son's "friend" to the "abuse" my husband and I supposedly piled upon our son during his childhood. You're too late; Conscientious Objector has already given his spiel about parental neglect and how boylovers are the obvious solution to that.
Addressing parents' concerns
Posted at Crossroads by Pedo-Hag on Tuesday, May 22, at 6:23
PM
In response to You raped my son! posted by Concerned &
Angry
First of all, Concerned & Angry, I'm the one who decided not to ban Conscientious Objector for the post he made below. I did so because the particular line I'm sure you're referring to "I've recently completed a tour of the boy brothels of the world" is one that he has used on at least four different child advocates, in a successful attempt to get a rise out of them. I've spoken privately with Conscientious Objector and made clear to him that he can no longer post jokes that could be misunderstood by someone not familiar with his sense of humor.
I'm very sorry to hear of your son's recent relapse. I'm sure that you have helped him to locate the best real-life support that is available in your area, but if he should need additional support, please tell him that he is welcome at my survivor board. (Non-incest survivors sometimes post there.) I've found that being able to talk with other survivors about my memories has done a great deal to ease the pain.
A couple of other participants at Crossroads both boylovers are also survivors of sexual abuse and may be able to recommend additional online resources.
Switching over to your post, Gold Star: Dear, if I had a child, and if you were to turn up at my doorstep and say, "This is Gold Star; I was wondering whether you needed a babysitter for your son," I'd throw the door wide open. After all this time we've spent talking together, I know you as a man who deeply cares about boys and about their good relationships with their parents, and who would never violate the moral standards I have established for my own household.
But picture this scenario: A strange man turns up at my door and says, "Hi! I'm a boylover who belongs to the Alliance for Boylovers and Parents. I'd like to babysit your son." My reaction, I'm afraid, would be to slam the door shut not because I have anything against this man in particular, but simply because he is a stranger to me. I know nothing about him. For all I know, he could be a molester.
That's the problem with the word "boylover," you see. It tells you nothing about a person's character and values, any more than the word "heterosexual" does. You I trust, but you know that there are men on these boards who I wouldn't trust within a mile of my house. I'm sorry, but that's the reality of it.
Now, I agree with you that the only solution to this problem is greater openness in our society so that each boylover can be judged on his own merits, rather than being grouped in with a bunch of other people with whom he may have nothing in common. But when you start talking about an online alliance, my interest wanes. That's because, much as I value online groups (obviously I do, or I wouldn't be here), I think they have limited value in establishing trust.
I trust you, but I do so despite the fact that we've had no real-life contact rather than because of it. You and I have exchanged thousands of e-mails and posts; otherwise I wouldn't trust you as I do. And even so, I've seen that you have different layers. When I started reading your posts at Crossroads, I thought of you as sober and stern and somewhat autocratic, because that's how you come across in your posts. Then, when we started e-mailing each other, I learned to my great surprise that you are also lighthearted and witty. Heaven only knows what you are like in real life. I don't believe that your real-life persona includes you going around abusing children, but I can only say that because we've corresponded so much.
Most people simply can't invest that much time in getting to know another person online. The only real way in which they can say "I trust you" is by getting to know the person in real life. So, while an online Boylover-Parent Alliance is a great idea, just as Crossroads is, I think it can only be a temporary solution. In the long run, boylovers and parents will have to speak openly and honestly face-to-face.
"And how do I do that," you ask, "if the moment I out myself, someone loads up their gun?" I honestly don't know the answer to this question, and I wish I did. All I do know is that, under ordinary circumstances, lasting trust can only be established in real life. And sometimes not even then.
Pedo-Hag
Co-Webmaster
Crossroads
* * *
"Chastity is a gift," suggested Johnnie. "It's a special vocation that not all of us are suited for, so the churches can't require lifelong celibacy from us."
He had stolen this argument from Brick and expected Paul to say something about the perspective of the boy, but Paul merely nodded agreeably and said, "Certainly celibacy can be a gift, and it is moving to see someone with this gift living his life. It's like watching an artist at work. But one of the sad mysteries of life is that God occasionally requires those of us who are not gifted in certain activities to practice those activities. For example, a friend of mine lost use of his legs in a car accident several years ago. To live the life of a disabled man was not a change he was prepared for, nor did he have any special gift for it. Yet he had no choice but to take on this duty, just as a man with ageing parents may be required to care for them, even if it forces him to sacrifice work for which he is better suited." He reached into his jacket pocket, pulled out a piece of paper, and unfolded it. "I don't know why God requires this extra suffering from some of us. Perhaps it is his way to permit us the privilege of sharing more closely in Christ's suffering."
Johnnie was silent a minute, his gaze fixed on the steep hill they were climbing between the math building and the art building. Then he said, "Some of your arguments startle me. I keep expecting you to talk about how all BLs are mentally ill, or about how the power differences between men and boys mean that abuse always occurs in a BL sexual relationship. Instead, you just keep going on about how boys are too young to make a decision to enter into a lifelong union."
"I assume that you're already familiar with the secular arguments," Paul said, waving at a female student who was passing. "Not that I would scorn such arguments. I know a number of ex-gays who were badly scarred by sexual abuse when they were children, and I also know some ex-gays who are minor-attracted and who seem to me to be quite unstable mentally. But the problem with making generalizations is that, sooner or later, you run across an exception. If you've built a moral argument upon empirical grounds that founder, then your moral argument founders as well." Paul paused, glanced at the campus map he was holding in his hand, and started forward again.
"Some of the wiser heads in the ex-gay community have come to recognize that," he said. "The churches, you know, used to say, 'You mustn't have sex with another man because all homosexuals are mentally ill.' Or, 'You mustn't have sex with another man because your relationship will be abusive.' And then along came a slew of people like my gay friend who are quite obviously mentally healthy and are in loving, caring relationships with their partners. So of course these gays aren't at all impressed by the traditional secular arguments against homosexual behavior. Only moral arguments arguments based on a deeper understanding of why God wills our sexuality to be the way it is can reach them. . . . I'm sorry this path is so steep, by the way."
"That's okay," said Johnnie. He barely noticed the upgrade as he looked over at Paul, whose expression was tranquil in the late May sunshine. "I see what you're saying, but still, I nearly went into shock the other day when you said at CBF, 'I believe that some BL sexual relationships have most likely been non-abusive.'"
"Non-abusive but immoral," said Paul. "The trouble with our world is that it takes the view that psychological healthiness equals spiritual healthiness. I know a man who has had four wives. He's a very clear-thinking, steady person, a man that any psychologist would give a clean bill of health. His ex-wives give no sign of having been traumatized by his divorce of them. Still, I believe he's living an immoral life, and I think that, at a much deeper level than any psychological test can measure, he and his ex-wives have been damaged by the life he leads. It's the same with BLs. As far as I can tell, Johnnie, there's nothing abnormal about you aside from your sexual feelings, and I cannot say with absolute certainty that, if you had sex with your young friend M, he would end up like my abused ex-gay friends rather than happy and delighted like Conscientious Objector was. But the damage you'd do to M and yourself would be deeper. If you had sex with a" He fell silent.
They passed the students without incident; the young men were absorbed in a discussion of an upcoming fraternity party for freshmen. Johnnie thought that he had managed to keep his gaze fixed upon the sidewalk they were travelling on, but as the young men's voices faded into the background, Paul said, in a briskly matter-of-fact manner, "Was that young one within your AOA?"
"He might have been," said Johnnie uneasily, "if he hadn't been a student. I'd guess that he's an adult, or the equivalent of one."
"That makes a difference to a BL?"
"Not to all BLs. I know some for whom age or stage of development is everything; if twelve-year-olds became adults by law tomorrow, it would make no difference to them. But for me . . . It's hard to explain, but my feelings are wrapped up with a desire to care for someone else. You don't take care of an adult the same way you do a child. On the other hand, if our society was changed so that we trained boys to take on adulthood at age ten, that would delight De"
He stopped himself just in time, biting his lip so hard that he could taste the salt of his blood. Paul said, "Delight who?"
"Oh, no one. Just a boylover I know. You were saying about abuse." He tried to deflect the conversation back to Paul, who was watching him a little too intently.
"Yes, abuse." Paul turned his attention back to the map as they reached the crest of the hill. "Another problem is that the Christian Church doesn't have a particularly good record in this area all those child marriages it encouraged during its early years, sometimes with a great age gap between the man and the woman, a difference in maturity that seems to have been positively celebrated. I was recently rereading St. John Chrysostom's twentieth homily on Ephesians, in which he offers advice to a husband on how to care for his youthful wife, and I was struck by the phrases used in it to describe the wife: 'a young and tender maiden,' 'a child,' 'take her and mold her well.' If you changed only a few words, the homily would sound like a post on the BL boards about the manner in which a BL should care for his young friend."
"The Virgin Mary was quite young when she married," Johnnie said, remembering another of Brick's stock arguments. "Probably in her early teens. And St. Joseph was quite old."
"If tradition can be trusted," Paul agreed. "Of course, that was in a different culture, but still, I don't think anyone in the Church today would recommend that a sixty-year-old man marry a fourteen-year-old girl. And that's what it comes down to, really. The Church is sadly divided on whether homosexuality is a sin, but no one argues about whether adult-child sex is a sin. Whatever mistakes the Church may have made in the past, she realizes now that early marriages whether 'age-differentiated,' as Brick calls them, or otherwise just aren't a good idea."
"Other religions disagree," said Johnnie. He was looking uneasily around to see whether anyone had been close enough to hear the dangerous words "adult-child sex."
"You mean the pagans. Well, Johnnie, if you read the ancient sources you'll find that even the pagans had arguments against adult-child sex. The passages in Plato's Laws about pederasty What's wrong?"
"Do you think we could change the subject?" Johnnie said, feeling a desperate sense of panic rising within him, even though he knew that the faculty members following them down the hill were not close enough to be able to hear the conversation.
"Yes, of course," said Paul at once. "Let's talk about you instead; I seem to do all the talking in our encounters. That's my fatal itch for lecturing, I'm afraid. Tell me about yourself what sort of work do you do, exactly?"
There was a long silence. Johnnie was still trying to think how to break it when Paul's face changed and he said quietly, "My apologies; that was inexcusably rude of me. I keep forgetting the proper etiquette toward someone like yourself. I ought not to, as many of the same rules apply in the ex-gay world."
"It's not that I don't want to tell you," said Johnnie, his voice sinking in misery. "It's just"
Paul cut him off with a raised hand. "There is no need to make explanations. We've only just met each other; friendships, like marriages, take time to build. I wouldn't want to rush you."
He pointed to a building on the horizon, at the edge of the campus. "That's the place. As I recall, the campus bookshop has an excellent selection of self-help titles. You might find a volume there on sex addiction that could be of help to True Boylo"
"Thanks," said Johnnie, his voice rising in desperation once more as a group of graduate students passed them. "I think I can find my own way now. I appreciate the help." And he darted off before Paul could say anything.
* * *
The sun was low in the sky, casting little more than shadows into the room. The room was bright, though, with antique lamps and a chandelier and candles flickering on the table.
"This is excellent," said Johnnie, helping himself to another mouthful of the chicken casserole. "I thought the ex-gay groups discouraged its male members from undertaking such feminine accomplishments as cooking."
Paul, coming round the table to pour a second glass of wine for Johnnie, smiled down at him. "Actually, I felt greater defensiveness about my cooking back in my days of flamboyant effeminacy," he said. "Now that I'm more secure in my masculinity, I can afford to stop keeping track of whether I'm showing my predominant masculine side or my subordinate feminine side." He paused to cork the wine before reseating himself.
Remembering the pile of soda cans, Johnnie thought to himself how odd it was that Paul's house reminded him of Delius's apartment. Perhaps it was the framed art on the dining room walls. That picture by Monet of a cathedral could also be found in its unframed version hanging above the kitchen sink at Delius's place. There was something familiar too about the simplicity of Paul's suburban dwelling. Like Delius, Paul had evidently thrown the greater part of his earnings into buying art and books, although his computer equipment was considerably less conspicuous than Delius's. The remainder of the furnishings had a Shaker simplicity: they were without flourish but showed a plain beauty.
In other respects, of course, Paul's house could not have been more unlike Delius's apartment. Partly this was due to the selection of artwork. Whereas Paul was fond of pictures of saints with serene expressions, Delius was fond of World War One paintings showing the anguish of combat. Whereas Paul had hung a Pre-Raphaelite painting of the boy Jesus standing in the temple at Jerusalem, Delius had hung a photograph of a Greek statue of the boy Eros.
But the difference went deeper than that. Quite simply, not a single object in Paul's house was out of place. Books lay in carefully ordered piles upon the coffee table instead of being strewn over the floor as Delius's were; coats and jackets were neatly hung from hooks rather than finding their home upon any object close to the apartment door; dirty dishes judging from Paul's clearing of the first course were immediately banished to the dishwasher instead of idling around the counter in a faint hope that someone would notice them.
In many ways, Johnnie thought, Paul's home was much more congenial to him than Delius's; it reminded him of the tiny Victorian house where he had grown up. This thought made him uneasy, and he laid it aside, along with the bowl that had previously contained a salad so artfully arranged that Johnnie found himself wishing he could photograph it.
"My ministry is having a meeting for newcomers on Thursday evening," Paul said, sipping on his wine. "You might be interested in it."
Johnnie attempted a smile. "That's the third time you've asked me to one of your meetings. Why do I have the feeling you're grooming me?"
"Not at all," said Paul, reaching for the pepper. He spent a moment grinding the pepper onto his casserole, then said, "I spoke to Jevon on the phone last night. He's coming home from college for the month of July, and he says that he'd like to meet you."
Johnnie was stabbed with a momentary feeling of unreasoned alarm at this news that Paul had been discussing him with others. Then he discovered he was laughing. When he was able to catch his breath again, he saw Paul raising his eyebrows quizzically.
"I'm sorry," Johnnie said. "Of course I'd like to get together with him; it will be wonderful meeting in real life with another pedophile. I was just envisioning, though, how the city paper would report on such a meeting. 'Local Pedophiles Form Child Sex Ring. Concerned Parents Demand Arrests. Dr. Jane Expert of the Superscientific Society to Study and Dissect Pedophiles urged parents not to panic. "Not all meetings by pedophiles are for the purpose of planning child molestations," she said in her well-renowned compassionate manner. "Some pedophiles simply meet for the purpose of exchanging child pornography . . ."'"
Paul gave a soft snort of laughter as he reached for his water glass. "The unknown can often look threatening to outsiders. As an example, I think that most people in the general public believe that ex-gay ministries are all mind-control operations, akin to those religious cults that brainwash their members. In actual fact, my ministry has a stringent entrance procedure to ensure that new members are not being forced to attend meetings against their will."
There was a long silence. Faintly, through the French windows, Johnnie heard the sound of the family next door chatting and laughing as they held a backyard barbecue. Johnnie said, "Look, I wasn't saying that I have anything against the ex-gay group you attend. I'm just busy tutoring M on Thursday, that's all."
"What days are convenient for you, then? My ministry leader will sometimes hold extra sessions if an enquirer can't make it to the regular meetings."
Johnnie felt the heat surge through his face. He slammed down the silver fork onto the table, saying, "You are trying to groom me."
Paul seemed undisturbed by the vibration of Johnnie's crash; he simply put his hand forward to assure that his glass would not tip over. "Let's say that I am," he replied mildly. "If Conscientious Objector tried to wear you down into visiting a message board he'd started to discuss what constitutional protection American boylovers have if they choose to break age-of-consent laws, would you angrily accuse him of trying to convert you to his beliefs? Or would you say, 'Sure, I'll take a look at it,' and then glance at it, determine whether it was the sort of place where you wanted to post regularly, and pass on to other matters?"
Johnnie took up his fork and picked at the casserole noodles for a while. He finally said, "I'm sorry. I guess you unintentionally touched a raw spot for me. The thought of attending an ex-gay meeting brings back all those horrible memories of my years in college, of trying to change myself so that I wasn't attracted to twelve-year-olds, and of how I almost went crazy trying to accomplish the impossible."
"Perhaps you went about it the wrong way," Paul suggested. "Trying to achieve psychological or spiritual growth on your own, without any assistance from others, can be a difficult task. But let's leave aside the issue of change. Some ex-gay ministries concentrate on encouraging celibacy, and that's the approach taken by many of the secular sexual recovery groups as well. Have you ever attended such a group?"
Johnnie said slowly, "I can't believe it. You are trying to seduce me."
Paul smiled as he rested his chin on his fist. The candlelight flickered on the friendship ring given to him by his girlfriend. "Let's just say that I'm trying to fill in the missing gaps in your life story. You told me once that you thought that reporting yourself to the police or committing suicide or raping a boy were your only options. Then you discovered the boylove boards. Along the way, did you try any other support groups for minor-attracted adults?"
Johnnie, realizing that he was making a mess of his casserole that was worthy of Delius, forced himself to swallow a bite before saying, "I visited one of the recovering offender forums once. I thought it would be a good place to learn proper behavior toward my young friends."
"And?"
Johnnie shrugged, returning to pushing his food around his plate. "I don't know how to describe it. What would you do if you came to a group that you thought was for the purpose of giving marriage counselling, and someone told you, 'Welcome! Just sit right down here, next to the rest of us wife batterers'?"
"I'd sit down," Paul replied promptly. "Learning about marriages that have failed is a splendid way to keep from failing in one's own marriage. Besides, there's always the chance that I might learn something that would keep me from striking my wife in the future." He took a long look at Johnnie's face and added, "I know what you mean, of course. I sometimes feel left out of conversations at my ministry about homosexual behavior of the past, since I've never engaged in homosexual behavior. Still, I think you'd find that sexual recovery groups have certain benefits to offer that the boylove boards don't. Greater unity of moral values, for example."
Johnnie narrowed his eyes to look past the candles between himself and Paul. "Paul, what are you trying to say?"
Paul dabbed his mouth with his napkin, left the cloth neatly folded beside his plate, and stood up, beginning to gather the empty dishes together. "More than I should, perhaps. So let me just say I worry that you haven't fully explored all of your options. Other boylovers such as At Peace have looked at the alternatives, you know. You shouldn't feel that learning what various paths are available to minor-attracted adults would threaten your status as a boylover. If boylove is a creed worthy of being followed, it can stand up to such a test."
"I suppose so," said Johnnie, handing Paul his plate. "I should think of it in the same way you've come to think of those years in the gay community as an opportunity for growth, even if it's unpleasant. I guess I just can't imagine myself anywhere but the boylove boards, though. From the moment I got there, it felt like home, and the longer I'm there, the more normal it feels."
"That," said Paul, placing the last of the plates at the top of a neatly ordered stack, "is exactly what worries me."
Johnnie tried to speak then, but Paul was already saying, "I'm being a poor host. Johnnie, I mean this sincerely: if I'm putting pressure on you, then I apologize for my misbehavior. I'm like a health food nut who has found a wonderful new diet that has transformed his life. Naturally, I want all my friends to go organic as well. But if you feel that I'm force-feeding you, by all means tell me to shut up. That was never my intention."
"No, you're right; it would be interesting," replied Johnnie. "Sort of in the spirit of Crossroads getting to know how other people view matters. It will have to wait till the summer, though. I'm too busy right now with Milano."
"Milano?" Paul, who had been looking down at the gravy tray as he inspected its contents, suddenly looked up, his eyes alert.
The sound of the plates shifting in Paul's hands could be clearly heard for a moment. Then Johnnie said, "Yes, that's M's real name."
"Ah." Paul seemed to lose interest. He took the dishes over to a sideboard and piled them there before returning to collect the glasses.
Outside, the children in the next yard were comparing video games. Johnnie could see them clearly, for Paul had not bothered to close the curtain or even to arrange the seating so that Johnnie's back was to the French windows. Johnnie waited until Paul had scooped up the glasses; then he took a deep breath and said, "My real name's John Steadman. Thanks for the dinner; I'd like to return the favor some time."
Paul smiled and said nothing. As he carried the wine glasses into the kitchen, Johnnie reflected that, if Paul had been grooming him tonight, then he had succeeded very well in his task.
* * *
He loves me!
Posted at BoyChat by True Boylover on Tuesday, May 22, at
7:24 PM
Guess what, guys! I followed Conscientious Objector's advice to tell B that I was in love with him, and B SAYS THAT HE'S IN LOVE WITH ME TOO. He said he was afraid to tell me before, because he was scared I'd go away.
It was sort of a short conversation, because we were worried that B's mother would come into the backyard at any moment, but we exchanged tokens of our love. (That was B's idea. He's very romantic.) B gave me a lock of his hair, and I gave B the BL logo pin that [deleted by moderator] mailed me.
I told B that I thought his parents might get concerned if I visited him all the time, but I've promised to send him a letter every day by hiding it in a hollow of a tree near his school. That was B's idea too. He read a story once about lovers meeting by moonlight.
I haven't decided yet whether to tell Jeff (my therapist) about B and me pledging our love to each other. You see, B and I exchanged a kiss only one, and it was very chaste. But I'm afraid that Jeff will report me to the police because of that kiss. I told him I'd tell him if I abused a child, but I don't think that kiss abused B! It was his idea.
(Brick, I hope I didn't break any rules in the previous paragraph. If I have, just let me know.)
B's birthday is coming up. Do any of you guys have suggestions for what a boylover can give to his young friend? It has to be something that won't make his parents suspicious.
Love,
TB
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